BALLS AND EVERYTHING
The President wakes up from his Presidential bed in his Presidential room one day to find that he has been magicked [barang]. His penis has disappeared. Balls and everything. A national state of emergency is declared which later turns into martial law. ‘Have you seen this penis?’ posters and tarpaulins plastered everywhere. Hammered onto trees, electric poles, the sides of kindergarten, elementary, high school and college buildings. Complete with a specialy-commissioned artist’s recreation of the missing body part. Great monetary reward for those who can find it.
The ruler of the nation goes full-on dictator. He abolishes the legislative and judiciary. He abolishes the Catholic Church and all the other churches he dislikes. Subjects everyone to hours-long rants, harangues and then later on sad, desperate karaoke singing publicly broadcasted using the people’s taxes, on national television. Mandatory viewing for everyone.
Conspiracy theory is that it was the Communists who done it. Just magicked the Presidential penis out of existence. So the government troops, the police, the military, the paramilitaries, etc went into all-out war against the godless communists. They event went after the liberals and homosexuals, just to be sure. So many were killed. This went on for months. But they never found anything.
The most loyal followers of the President castrated themselves in a show of solidarity. These castrati impressed the President, visibly deranged now, and placed them in high government positions.
This is sick, deranged, fucked-up, indecent, the fledgling members of the Communist Party of the Philippines and its armed-wing the New People’s Army stated in one of their monthly newsletter/declarations, referring to the situation in the beloved country. This is sick, deranged, fucked-up, indecent, the fledgling members of the outlawed Catholic Church also said, regarding the situation that the people have been forced to live in. The two groups have banded together to survive deep in the hinterlands of Mindanao, armed to the teeth, growing sweet potatoes and yams, raising organic chickens.
It wasn’t until decades later, following the internal collapse of the dickless regime by rivalling castrati warlords, then the right-wing coup by the remnants of the Philippine military which surprised everyone when it gave up power afer a few months, it wasn’t until the restoration of democratic institutions that the culprit for the late dictator’s mutilation was found. It was the Communists all along – the Communist Party of China! This was an extended metaphor all along haha!
But really the multi-sectoral commission did not find out anything as they really did not care about finding where it was. They reasoned their energies are better spent dealing with the damages that the dictatorship did on the people.