A Year-Long Period of Mourning for the Murder of Presidential Sister Kris Aquino

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A Year-Long Period of Mourning for the Murder of Presidential Sister Kris Aquino

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No one expected that Kris Aquino would be murdered in front of a live studio audience by a rampaging deranged ninja.

This ninja, whose name has been lost to the police, and thus to history, just done appeared out of the blue and ran tanto-first onto Kris Aquino.

Kris Aquino was in the middle of saying something totally stupid when this happened. Her child, the annoying dark one, was being all annoying and dark. He was I think busy mixing some ingredients in a bowl.

The attack happened in the morning, when the theme or topic or current area of interest of Kris Aquino was baking. I think they were making some sort of cake. There they were, the small dark child, his doting, high-pitched whiny-voiced mother, all the cameramen and studio assistants, the co-hosts, the live studio audience, and of course, the viewing public with their eyes on their television screens all across the nation. There was also the ninja, wearing dark, close-fitting overalls, tiny horizontal slit on his headgear to see with. Though he actually did not need that slit, for even if his eyes were closed, he would have killed Kris Aquino just as easily.

The ninja, after the attack, using his ninja-powers, then disappeared in a puff of smoke.

The Scene of the Crime Operatives afterwards determined that the ‘puff of smoke’ which the ninja vanished into turns out to be nothing than common ordinary flour.

The sentiment among the public afterwards was that the ninja was a Godless and evil and overall bad person. That he was sent by the political enemies of the Aquino family. That he was an agent of the communists. That the communists imported him from China, with Chinese training from Chinese Buddhist monks with all their martial arts and kung-fu.

But I ask this: if he were truly an evil immoral person, then why did he not kill the child as well? If he were really really bad, he would have slashed that annoying child’s throat as well, saving us all from further exposure to it. The fact that he did not do so is evidence of a sort of sentimentalism that is ruining the image of ninjas around the world as these stoic motherfuckers who are professional and utilitarian and just focused on the mission at hand. Clearly this ninja was a soft ninja. A weak ninja.

The President, behind his Presidential standing desk from where he has read countless speeches written for him by hired professional speech-writers and lawyers, said, and I paraphrase, that his sister touched the hearts of everyone who met and heard and saw her. She was a kind-hearted individual who strove to improve the lives of the Filipino people. Both their parents, his and Kris’, (they have the same parents) brought them up to serve the public in whatever way they can. Kris did this through her movies and shows. Her shows and movies have delighted the hearts and guided the lives of countless numbers of Filipinos here and abroad. Kris was a good sister, a loving mother, etc. etc …

You get the idea.

The mangled body of Kris Aquino could not be put together decent enough for public viewing by the most masterful of embalmers and morticians of this country, and of those from all countries possibly even. The injuries caused by the flurry of attacks that followed the initial assault by the ninja was so severe that in the interest of public morality and decency, I decline to describe them in this short account. The wake, needless to say, was a closed-coffin affair.

Tears, tears, tears. All the celebrities gave all their words of sadness and condolences to the family, the clan of Kris Aquino. Friends, relatives, and former lovers gave their words too after the President had his say on the matter of his sister’s death.

How in the world can we continue to live now that the light which is Kris Aquino, this light that has been guiding our domestic lives, Presidential Sister to all the Filipinos all over the world, has been snuffed out? As Nietzsche wrote, how can we continue with our lives after witnessing this ‘divine putrefaction’? But as DH Lawrence has written, we’ve got to plod onwards ‘no matter how many skies have fallen.’ In lieu of this, the President has submitted a bill, which was then quickly approved into law by all the politicians of the land, mandating a year-long period of mourning for the murder of the Presidential Sister Kris Aquino.

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Wednesday, April 15 2015
Rey Claveria


About kara

I just like to read. Used to work in a library. My interests are horror and the gothic imagination, absurd and dark humor, urban legends, and other related unwholesome topics. I write short fiction sometimes. Older stuff: https://www.scribd.com/user/93209/narodnikkki
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